At the Old Pharmacy Cafe
For no real reason that I can determine, I found myself wide awake at exactly 7:00 AM today. There was no loud noise, no alarm clock, and I didn’t have to go to work. Still, there I was, completely awake. Damn it.
Since I wasn’t going to get to sleep, I got up to go find some coffee and something greasy, since I was un poco crudo. I thought I’d get my fix at the Parkway Cafe next to the school, with a cup of coffee and a bagel breakfast sandwich, but I still felt like crap.
So now I’m at the Old Pharcacy Cafe on NW 21st and Glisan, eating a bad scone and drinking some mediocre coffee. I’d probably be better off across the street at the Blue Moon, drinking another Terminator. This place sucks. I walked in, jonesing big-time for a chocolate filled croissant, which they didn’t have. I asked the chick behind the counter about it, and she said, “Sure, we have croissants!” and pointed out the plate of crappy croissants in the display case. Well, if I’d wanted something from the fucking Safeway bakery, I would have just gone there directly, rather than come to your piece-of-shit establishment. So I get a scone, which is only so-so.
Really, I came here for the free wi-fi, since I like getting out of the house once in a while so I can look at pointless time-wasting things on the internet away from home. But I can’t even do that in peace because some dickhead sitting on the couch across from me keeps staring at me. And so, of course, since I keep looking up to see if he’s staring at me again, he thinks I’m staring at him. Yeah, I see you looking at me, tough guy. So what if I decided I wasn’t going to wear shoes today, I’m hungover. Yeah, I didn’t comb my hair, either. I bet you probably didn’t, but you’ve got a trendy $45 baseball cap to cover it up. Good for you.
I find myself becoming irrationally angry that this guy keeps looking up at me while I read Slashdot and eat a bad scone. I wish it was possible to launch a denial of service attack against an individual device, so I could disrupt his laptop from over here. It would be so much more satisfying than a regular DoS, because I’d be right here to watch him go, “Hey, what happened to the Internet?!” And then, just to make my network assault that much cooler, I’d stand up from my table and yell, “I’m what happened, bitch!” right before kicking him in the trachea.
Now someone else is sitting down at the table between me and my nemesis. Maybe this guy will be my new nemesis, because he’s staring at me reproachfully because I’m sitting at the table with the outlet right next to it, and he has to walk over to where Baseball-Cap-Wearing Bitch has got his laptop plugged in. Screw you, old-timer, I had every right to sit here! Stop looking at me. You really want to be my new nemesis? Are you prepared for that level of pain?
I can’t get a moment’s peace here. The bandwidth is kinda limited anyway. Screw this place anyway, I should have gone to Stumptown. At least the coffee there doesn’t suck. And spill all over my white T-shirt because the cups are cheap.
I’m outta here. In closing, I heartily recommend not going to the Old Pharmacy Cafe, especially if you’ve got a headache.
