rule of thumb for finding a different park bench
I found a nice bench in the North Park Blocks after breakfast where I could sit and read my book. I’m usually not too picky about where I sit in the parks around here because gosh, it’s Portland, the most threatening things in our parks are usually the squirrels.
This particular morning in the park was a little different. The guy sitting next to me, the one with his pants hitched up to his sternum, was telling an unusual story to his friend, and I say it was unusual because it didn’t seem to include the normal story arc that you’d expect or even a punchline, but just sort of kept running on and the teller cued us for the funny parts by barking out laughter periodically. This was helpful, because I would never have guessed those parts were funny. it was distracting, too, but not enough to make me want to get up and leave.
Then there was the lady laying spread-eagled on the grass in hot pink shorts, singing and shimmying along to a song that only she could hear, and that seemed to involve her making gun-fingers quite a bit. This, too, I could overlook.
But I decided I should probably get up and move when the sweaty guy walked by, calling out in the style of a stadium vendor, “Methadone, methadone! Heyyyyy, methadone! Anyone here want to buy some methadone? Heeeyyyy, methadone!”
If you had bought some methadone, you wouldn’t have minded much of anything.
So who bit on the methadone sales pitch, the twitchy girl with the earbuds or the storyteller?
I would be interested to hear about the dangerous squirrels as well. That sounds like a great park story.
Hmmm, yanno what gets me moving off those benches faster’n alla that - since I’m used to the meth folk as they’re in my car most every morning - the rabid raccoons! Nasty lil violent effers. Ever had one of those chase you around the park?!
replace the gun fingers with actual guns and you’ve got a perfect description of my neighborhood park.
Wait, you have methadone vendors in Portland? Why am I just learning this now? MethaCon ‘09, here we come!
“Methadone” in this story is the perfect name for a dog. I mean, think how great it would be when this big ol’ hound-ish dog comes bounding up to the call, “Heeeeeyyyyy Methadone!”
Too bad he wasn’t pitching weed. I would have had you buy me some.
Dave2, no doubt, in fact I’m sure we would have been best friends after that.
PocketCT, I’m not sure, I got up and moved off as fast as I could after that.
Michelle, good lord, I have been chased by those pissed off raccoons! Furry little bastards.
kat, gunslingers in your city parks wear hot pink shorts? Sweet! (I think.)
jenny, the best part about a blog meetup like that is no one will have to worry about hangovers the next day — provided they keep chasing the dragon.
shari, he would probably be the most popular dog in this park with a name like that.
karl, uh, it’s Portland. We have plenty of that here, too.
Dude, I thought we agreed you wouldn’t talk about by my “free lance gig” on your blog.
No more free samples for you.
Heyyyyyy, I was just kidding!
If those people aren’t scary, your squirrels are freakin’ nightmares!
I’ll admit it. I am totally the girl in the pink shorts.
*Note to self*….reconsider adding Portland to the “places I may move ” list.
Kyra, the point I was trying to make was that even our crackheads are furry and cuddly!
Miss Britt, she had sunglasses on so I couldn’t tell, but I thought she might be you.
Hilly, oh c’mon, like you don’t have drug dealers where you live?
I think maybe the shorts girl had visited with the methadone man a bit earlier in the day. Possibly your pants guy too. Good move, moving on.
I did kind of get the feeling they might be his regulars…
So, did you help ‘em out? You should have pointed them in the direction of Voodoo Donuts….maybe the sugar high would have helped. You have to love it here in Portland……KEEP IT WEIRD!
I’m not surprised this happened on Park, but doesn’t that usually take place AFTER the sun goes down?
I especially love the finger gun-pointing girl.
Nah, we get weird shit in the middle of the day here all the time! And I liked her too, she was the least threatening one out of the batch.