reasons
“Where are you headed?”
I tend to keep my Saturdays for myself. The long week is for the office, and Friday nights are for goofing off with my friends, and I might even be convinced to see people on a Saturday night if I’m up to it, but Saturdays I tend to keep to myself all day, walking anonymously through crowds, sitting in parks with a good book, holing up in coffee shops with my journal.
“Down to Powell’s, probably.” Bookstores are another good place for me to go and be alone with my thoughts. Even if I’m in no mood to buy there’s something comforting about walking among the stacks of books, running my fingers along their spines, breathing in all the words printed on all those pages. It seems like a perfect place to spend a few hours, especially since the sky is mere minutes from really opening up and drenching us.
“I don’t really have to be anywhere for a while,” Jay says. I hadn’t planned on meeting him here, but I’d tweeted that I was heading to Farmer’s Market before leaving the house and he’d honed in on me there, and we’d chatted a bit over breakfast purchased from the stalls. Afterwards I’d walked with him to his truck, where he had just finished buckling his son into his car seat. ”Do you want to go get a coffee or anything?”
Saturdays I tend to keep for myself, but I don’t get to see my friends nearly enough, now that we’re all playing at being grown-ups. ”Yeah, let’s do that.” We hop into his truck and we’re off.
With old friends I think no conversation really ever ends, so I know exactly what he’s talking about when he picks one up where we left it six months ago. ”If you wanted to write and draw comic books, why’d you pick computer science?”
I look over at him, wondering if there’s a question within a question here. Most of our college friends that I still kept in touch with had no small amount of burning discontent with our chosen field, chafing against jobs they didn’t find challenging, careers they didn’t find rewarding, yet didn’t seem to know what else to do. Jay alone out of our group seemed to be the only one who’d found a professional niche he enjoyed.
I decide he’s not asking me because he’s looking for an answer for himself. I take the question at face value and see if I know the answer. Because it’s where I fit. Because it was the hardest thing I knew how to do. Because I didn’t think I was cut out for med school. Because I thought it would make my dad proud, and god if that isn’t just a pathetic reason. Words always come to me later when I write them, but not always when I am driving in the rain, so when I open my mouth to answer all I say is, “I don’t really know. I used to have a reason, I guess. But a lot of my reasons changed. And anyway you and I wouldn’t have met if we hadn’t had that assembly language class.”
He nods, accepting this. ”You think you’ll look for a coding gig you like? Maybe move down to San Diego, get that job with Todd?”
“I don’t think so. In fact I think I’d like to do something else entirely.”
“But what?”
Scribbles in notebooks, pages turned and highlighted, numbers crunched, clockwork turning, figures moving across a map.
“You’ll see.”
Comments(12)
Ooh – I love a good mystery!
But really… what are you doing?
No, I’m serious.
Come on.
Stop playing.
For real.
When you open your strip-show tequila bar, your friends don’t have to pay a cover charge, right?
I just hope the mystery ends with your contentment.
I can’t wait to see what’s next. You’re clearly bound for greatness.
Yay! You’re moving to Wenatchee to open a coffee & bike shop!! With a tequila bar!! I’m so excited!!
Intrigued. And amused because I get cagey about stuff in the works sometimes too.
I really enjoyed the writing and content of this post.
Did you steal my idea to quit work and become a yoga instructor? Because, dude, we agreed that’s what *I* was going to do.
jenny, it’s going to take a fair bit of vodka to get it out of me.
dave2, you’ll always be on my VIP list.
hilly, if it all works according to plan it will.
sizzle, shucks, I can’t wait to see what’s next either.
shari, now that you mention it, that sounds like a winning business idea!
claire, keeping you intrigued is why I keep blogging.
sarah, I thought we agreed I was going to be the pilates instructor!
You know I am not a very patient person right? This is going to kill me!
I have been feeling sort of lost lately and like I don’t know what to be when I “grow up”. It is really hard! I think I have figured out something I would like to try but then when I say it out loud I feel like it is ridiculous and stupid and why in the world would I think I could be successful at it.
So there! I’ll tell you mine when you tell me yours (and now I totally feel all grade school-ish)
I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up either! We should start our own club.
hey!
i think i saw you at lloyd center last week…or maybe before? anyway…i think it was you. walking. at lunch time.
small world!
(oh and in case you don’t remember…we met when Sizzle was in town…at Screen Door)
happy birthday. you me and sizzle or shari should hang out soon. i miss you and could you help me on making decisions on what i want to be when i grow up? you never answered me yet. (crap! i feel like a little kid again)