notepad
Perhaps the least productive part of any business day is the meetings we are called upon to attend. I say ‘least productive’ in the sense that very little actual work is accomplished, most meetings seemingly designed as some sort of experiment to see how much boredom a human being can stand. You may have a job at some sort of utopian organization wherein important things are decided in meetings, plans of action drawn up, realistic timetables established, sandwiches and beer are served by strong-armed Germans, etc - none of this happens at my place of employment. I am no longer invited to meetings where I have some interest in the topic being discussed: although I have learned not to preface my comments with “here is why what you are proposing is a horrible idea and is going to screw us in the long run”, common sense and efficient problem solving are not especially valued at my job site.
Meeting are rather productive, however, in that I usually bring a notepad with me wherein I pretend to be taking notes, but in actuality am creating personal to-do lists, completely fictional to-do lists, writing out lines of dialog between two spontaneously generated characters, and drawing pictures of sword-wielding alien warriors (think Tars Tarkas). It is also a great opportunity to work on my improvisational skills, when I suddenly become aware that I might have been asked a question and need to respond in a way that 1) implies I was paying attention to the meeting, and 2) is funny enough to distract people from realizing that (1) is false.
At a recent meeting I was thumbing through the pages in my notepad, looking for a page that had enough free space for me to draw the rocket ship I had been thinking about, when I came across a page labeled “Meeting Minutes.” Knowing that it was extremely unlike me to record minutes during a meeting, I looked through the page to see what I had written down.
14:00 — Meeting begins.
14:03 — tremendous understatement
14:15 — wanton ignorance
14:16 — shameless pandering, noises indicating understanding where none exists
14:30 — brief outbreak of silence when my supervisor asks some intelligent questions.
14:33 — as no one here has any answers, posturing resumes.
14:40 — horrible decision made, based mostly upon events depicted in the most recent “Die Hard” movie.
Looking below that, I saw that I had scribbled some notes, which included a bulleted list:
Current rage/hate level is at nearly 700. I would gladly stab at least two people at this fucking table in the neck. Listening to these people talk about this is like watching an idiot run into a wall repeatedly. I would much rather eat a cinder block smeared with poisonous mushrooms than sit here.
Also would prefer:
- getting shot in the stomach with a shotgun.
- perform “Riverdance” on a stage full of broken glass.
- get a fake tan by scorching own skin with a propane torch.
- wrestle a squid.
Relieved that I had not wasted valuable meeting time taking down anything related to business, I turned to the next available blank page, and began to draw a space ship, getting attacked by a squid.
Comments(20)
I’d say that list proves you’re quite productive… if you’re writing a novel or a movie script. But don’t worry, I’ve found tons of notes in my own notebooks that I can’t recall writing from meetings and they’re in my handwriting.
Ummm, out of curiosity, what was the Die Hard-based decision?
One of our British workers once said about a meeting we were in: “If we were in Germany, they’d be serving beer at this.” I don’t know if it was true or not, but it gave us all something to dream about.
I’m in the Finance Department at work as the IT Department is too small (consisting of just me) to actually be set aside as it’s own meeting-holding department. We have a weekly meeting during which we discuss Finance things. Once in a while a solution that gets proposed involves a new computer of some sort and I’m able to feel included… but most times not. (Oh, and once I bought the Dell Mini Projector to a meeting and gave a presentation off my iPod and people thought that was cool.)
Here’s my workday:
Log in to work in my pajamas.
Shower.
Wear tankini and panties all day. No pants.
Have a work meeting with Avitable and Britt at Mimi’s Cafe.
More pantsless interviewing of clients.
Fin.
It’s comforting to know that there are others out there that have reached the same conclusion as I regarding the value of meetings. Rage on!!
Dude, have you been secretly Skyping into my department meetings? Your minutes look suspiciously like our last gathering of idiots. But, it was productive time as I was able to plan my entire Vegas vacation wardrobe and make a new grocery list. It didn’t, however, keep me from wanting to stab more than two people in the neck…
You can’t trust squid.
I have often wanted to peak over at what other people are scribbling during meetings because lord knows I am not usually actually taking notes. All of our meetings are not pointless, thank goodness, because we have a new boss who is smart and savvy and likes to laugh. We also serve pancakes sometimes at breakfast meetings.
It sounds like you need a new line of work before you stab someone and end up someone’s bitch in prison.
Meetings? Wha??
At our company, a “meeting” consists of Smith yelling across the office, “Hey, you wanna go to lunch?” So yeah… owning your own business sucks in a multitude of ways, but in this one way at least, it is a giant WIN. Thanks for the reminder.
Oh wait, I was supposed to be sympathetic here instead of selfishly grateful, wasn’t I? Sorry. You should really quit your job and move to Washington. There’s this one little town, actually…
Right now a quiet meeting with no one begging for me to drive them someplace and no puppy getting into everything sounds like fun. Especially if it is as boring as you say because then I’d have some time to think. I love my kids like crazy, love the puppy but I am exhausted.
So what I’m trying to say is can we trade for a day? I think we would both appreciate what we have a bit more after that! At the very least it seems like it would be a complete change of pace from our usual!
P.S. I am pretty jealous of Hilly’s day!
Your rage smells like flowers. It reminds me of me. Empty your care bucket and write haiku’s during meetings.
Why are we denied a scan of this awesome-sounding drawing?
I think we should start truemeetingnotes.com and post actual scans of pages… I have a ton of pages like that.
Yes, scan please. I want to see that rocket ship!
So who’s winning, the squid or the spaceship?
You stated the exact reasons why meetings are the biggest waste of time.
I twitter in my meetings, when I can and without it being obvious.
Ha! Priceless!
Funny! Yeah, most meetings are so darn boring and nothing gets accomplished. I’m just thinking ‘what a bunch of arseholes….especially management, ha!’
Late to the party, as usual. This is all kinds of awesomeness with awesome on top. That, and I’m still thinking about the strong-armed Germans.
Ok, listen. This post is growing mold. You’ve got to have attended a few more asinine meetings in the past month.