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Iron Fist

Announcing My New Embargo

The local McMenamins has displeased me again. One of the waitstaff has pissed me off with his chumpishness. As a result, I am announcing another of my trade embargoes against this establishment in retaliation.

Now, realistically, it’s a McMenamins, and I don’t really expect fantastic service. It’s almost part of their appeal that it takes forever to get your check, and that you never really know who your waiter is. But there’s a bare minimum of shitty service that I demand out of a brewpub, and my waiter at the Market Street Pub failed to meet it.

So I walk in there and they’re swamped. Not a big deal to me, they get busy sometimes, and one of the waitresses cleared off a table for me and I sat down. Someone else came to take my order, and acted irritated that I was even there. If I hadn’t suggested that I wanted something to drink with my meal, he probably would have walked off and I would have had dinner without a glass of anything. But again, this about par for the course at McMenamins.

This was about the last time he came to my table, though. Another waiter brought out my food, and then my waiter took to yelling at me from the bar, rather than actually coming over to my table. “You get your food, bud?” and then a little later, “How’s it going?” You’re not my bud, jackhole, so don’t yell at me from across the room. Fuck.

Then, he pretty much forgot about me. The waitress who had cleared off my table brought me my check and cashed me out. I thought she might be my new server, so I went ahead and left a good tip, since she didn’t totally suck ass.

Nope. I had barely stood up when my old waiter dived onto the table like some sort of coke addict to grab the bill. “Thankyouhaveagoodnight,” he blurted, clearly wishing me a good night from the bottom of his heart, before whipping back around and dashing back to the kitchen without ever having looked at me.

Ergo, I am unleashing a trade embargo against the Market Street Pub. The last time I had to do this was when, despite being regulars, our waiter wouldn’t let us eat there after 10 o’clock (this was a while back, when Ashley was still 20). As a result of the harshness of my crippling economic sanctions, they went through a complete turnover of their waitstaff before I decided that they had suffered enough to have atoned for their previous insult.

For those of you who may doubt the sheer effectiveness and fury of my boycotts, I need only point out the former Ione Cafe on the PSU campus. One morning, they served me an omelette upon which the cheese was insufficiently melted. As a result, I announced a formal trade embargo against them. They didn’t take me seriously, and didn’t repent; two months later, they were out of business. That’s right, that was me that caused them to close their doors forever.

So let this be a warning to you, Market Street Pub, and any other small businesses that might have pissing me off as part of their business strategy. I am a force to be reckoned with. And bring me some better fries.

Grenadan Slaughterhouse

A trip to a slaughterhouse in Grenada. Read all about it.

Cool Stuff in the News

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. Things have been a little busy for me. I have been doing really productive crap like listening to the radio and surfing the internet, though. As such…

  • On the Adam Carolla Show this morning, they broadcast a story from Pittsburgh about how a man walked into a convenience store and had something wrapped in a towel that he wanted to heat up in the microwave. So the clerk pops it in the microwave, starts to heat it up, and notices something funny smelling. He pulls it out of the microwave, the towel falls open, and it turns out it’s a severed human penis. The person who needed it heated up flees the store. Pretty gross, right? Then I came across a link to the story and discovered that it wasn’t actually a severed penis, but the Whizzinator. So instead of being a severed body part, it was actually a piss-filled rubber appliance that the dude needed to be heated to body temperature so that he could take a drug test. Which, even as you are being grossed out, you have to admit is pretty comical.
  • A man in Sudan was caught having sex with his neighbor’s goat. That’s kind of a tough spot to be caught in. How did they go about dealing with it? The goat-shagger had to pay a dowry of 15,000 dinars to the goat-owner, and made it his wife. Awesome.

Fear not, I promise this will be the last fake-penis and goat-sex related post I will ever do.

Mash up!

I found this through BoingBoing the other day.

This DJ has come out with a bunch of mash-ups of Beatles and Beastie Boy songs. I listened to the album today and it’s…definitely something you should check out. Get the whole thing via Bit Torrent right here.

Happy Birthday to my other sister

You know, a lot of people celebrate today as Valentine’s Day, but if you were cool you’d celebrate my kid sister’s birthday today.

It was seventeen years ago today that Juliet was born. I remember what a cute little bundle of joy she was when she first came into the world. We had no idea then that she would go on to have a rare glandular disorder which would cause her to top six feet in height by the time she was ten. Today, “Titanic Julie” is over nine feet tall and tops the scales at 450 lbs. Fun fact: Juliet can consume as much raw fish in a day as a mature grizzly bear!

Although Juliet usually hunts for her own food, she requested that for her birthday she be presented with a red-headed teenager to consume.

Juliet

This poor kid. He has no idea what’s coming.

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