I just want coffee
I’m up early today, and it’s looking like it will be a sunny day for once, and I’m at my local Stumptown, because I can get coffee here for a buck. There’s a line in front of me, and that’s pissing me off. What if you just want coffee? Why isn’t this line moving? Why can’t there be a line for people who just want coffee? I know exactly what I want, it’s coffee. I don’t want anything special.
Come on. What’s the deal with this line? Why isn’t it moving? What did you just freakin’ order? “Grande vanilla breve”? What the crap, dude? Hurry it up.
Cool, a table just opened. That’s where I want to sit. I just want to get a cup of coffee. I have my dollar ready, I can see the mugs. Come on, hurry up! I don’t have time for your Double Espresso Machiatto with a Twist of Fucking Lime. Move it.
Uh oh, Aging Yuppie Couple is making a move for my table, with their Guatemalan Goat-Cheese Lattés. Must…concentrate…must bend space-time through sheer force of will…yes, yes, I have bent the fabric of space-time, and they’re moving to another table. Awesome. Now to focus my mind on the dude in front of me, who is ordering a Mushroom Absinthe Capuccino Americano, Medium Hot with a Hint of Lavender or some crap like that. Damn it! Why can’t people just drink coffee? That’s what I want, just some coffee.
What the–? Leather Jacket Cyclist is moving towards my table. No dude, steer clear, steer clear — crap, it didn’t work. My concentration was already fully engaged in moving the line ahead. Jeez, just a cup of coffee. Is that so hard? Can’t you people just order a cup of coffee?
One person left to go now. Only one person, ordering a Double Depth-Charge Fetal-Pig-Tissue Valencia Hexavalent Chromium Drip Coffee on the rocks with a PBR chaser. For crying out loud, you tool. What are you even doing here? Okay, the barista is putting on the lead gloves to make his drink. Finally, finally, it’s my turn. Yes, I’d like a cup of coffee, for here. Yes, just a coffee. Don’t fucking look at me like that, just take my dollar, dickhead.
Finally, I’ve got my cup of silty coffee, coffee so good and strong you almost need a fork to drink it. And there’s still a table left. Not my ideal table, where Leather Jacket Cyclist is sitting, but still a pretty god table.
Ah, coffee. That’s all I wanted.
