pollution as tradition
My brother called me last night to make sure I was still going to the Portland Mercury’s Civic Clean-Up Squad event. “Sure,” I said, “on my way.” And since it’s been well-established that I can’t seem to show up on time to anything, “on my way” actually meant “just now leaving my apartment.” So I hustled down the street to catch the MAX to the Convention Center, stopping to rip up some duct tape off the sidewalk from a few spots in front of the library on my way.
Duct tape, you ask? For those of you that aren’t local, here’s the story in a nutshell: in anticipation of the Rose Parade coming into town, ‘necks from around the area will use duct tape to lay claim to large swaths of public sidewalk (and even the streets, in some cases), marking it off as “theirs” up to a week in advance, and for several months afterwards as well, since they rarely bother to take their tape with them at the close of the parade. It’s trashy and more than a little rude, really.
So this year the Mercury decided to organize a clean-up, sweeping through the streets along the parade route pulling up the tape in order to restore the tradition of GETTING YOUR ASS OUT OF BED EARLY if you wanted a good spot, rather than writing your name in duct tape on the sidewalk and sauntering in whenever you pleased and plopping your chair down in a prime viewing area. And, like I said, I was late.
I jumped off the MAX at the Convention Center stop and headed south on MLK to catch up with the clean-up crew, who had made it all the way to Burnside by this point. On the way I saw plenty of clean sidewalk, and some amazing sights: I saw one woman laying down fresh tape on the street on a spot that had been freshly cleaned just a half hour before, muttering while she stomped the tape emphatically onto the ground to re-stake her claim on public property. I grinned at her in amusement, which earned me a scowl in return. A few blocks further up I saw two people in a van nearly cause an accident as they swerved over into a lane that they then proceeded to block by parking in traffic, so that they could jump out and throw fresh lawn chairs and tape at their spot. I passed a lot of people setting up camp who were all glowering and clenching their stubby little fingers into fists as they sat in chairs and in tents, apparently pretty upset that they were going to have to stay here all night if they really, really wanted to sit in those spots.
On the corner of Burnside and MLK I saw one man waddle out into traffic to re-tape off the area he felt was his to claim, which probably could have fit eighty parade watchers. They were talking to a news crew, spouting off about how rude this all was about us cleaning up their mess, although apparently it was cool for them to park their Chevy TrailBlazer ON THE SIDEWALK since there was no parking in that area.
I caught up with my brother and the rest of the Clean-Up Squad on the other side of the bridge, where I got back to work ripping up tape. This is a pretty messy business, by the way: the tape is pretty gross after being on the sidewalk for a week, and it’s sticky, and some people have taken to using masking tape which has to be picked off inch by inch.
But it was a great time. Some highlights of the evening:
- The nine year-old daughter of a local blogger had such enthusiasm and zeal for cleaning up the streets that she made the whole night for me. She dived into the task of pulling up tape, collecting it all into a giant ball, and after every section she cleaned up she would victoriously yell “FREEDOM!”
- A member of the crew started pulling up tape from a station wagon sized section, before the man standing with arms crossed in the middle of the section shouted at him, “Hey, leave that alone! That’s my tape!”
“Sorry,” our guy said, and dropped the wadded up clump of tape down in this man’s “territory”.
“I don’t want that crap!” he yelled at us, and threw the tape at our backs as we walked away. - The support we received from people driving by and walking the streets was great. A few joined us along the way after we explained what we were up to.
- On Salmon Street we started ripping up some tape before an especially shrill woman with a cell-phone stuck to the side of her head lurched at us. “Hey, that’s my tape!”
“Okay,” we said, and moved on to the next section.
“That’s mine, too! Leave it!”
“Right, sorry.”
We moved on to the next section. “My tape! My tape! Just stop!”
“This is all yours?” someone asked her.
“It’s all my tape!”
“You’re Larson, and James, and Douglass, and Carey?”
“They’re friends of mine!”
“They can’t come down here and stand on their own tape and talk on their cell-phones?” At about this point, more Clean-Up crew had come along and, not realizing that this woman was in charge of an entire city block, began pulling up the tape where we had started. “Hey, leave that alone! My tape! My tape!” she yelled at them as she ran back to the beginning of her claim, cell-phone still stuck to her head. They apologized and while she stood her ground to deflect the next batch of approaching clean-up crew, that second group moved on and started pulling up the tape from the second of her six spots. “That’s mine too! Just go away!”
It couldn’t have been funnier if it had been planned that way. - In front of Nordstrom’s nearly the entire block was blocked off with tape and giant “Reserved for Nordstrom’s” signs. We tore that tape up with gusto, although by the time we passed the north end of the store two employees standing just inside that entrance figured out what was going on when they saw several people walking down the street with their signs and orange tape. They came out of the store to yell at us and presumably call the cops.
Needless to say they were pretty pissed. I didn’t stay to find out what happened but I think it’s a safe bet nobody got in trouble since a squad car was parked across the street the whole time this was going on and he didn’t do a thing.
It was a great time cleaning up the streets, and I think the response was more positive than anything else. Here’s hoping this becomes the new tradition.
For other accounts and local weighing in, check out the Mercury’s Blogtown PDX, Dharma Vision, Another Blogger, and Squid took some awesome photos of the whole thing and posted the set. I’ll post any more links as I come across them.
Update: Pretty good follow-up post with two local newscasts on Blogtown.
That’s amazing….man, I wish I lived in Portland so that I too could rip up the tape and have people yell at me so I could smirk at them and keep ripping their tape. Erm, I mean…wish I could do good for the community ;).
I had a dream about you last night, btw…it was freaky!
Thank you for being part of the tape cleanup. I moved to Portland three years ago, and I have always thought that the practice of taping of sections of the sidewalk was incredibly selfish and rude. I live in Irvington, and for months after the parade I would see straggly bits of duct tape along the parade route on Weidler and MLK.
I’m soooooooo glad you guys did this. Awesome awesome awesome. I’m also glad that I didn’t get a call from you in the middle of the night telling me that you did in fact get arrested and were in need of bail money.
Good Job.
I’m with the rest of them. You guys all really inspired me this year, and maybe–just maybe–me and The Wifeâ„¢ may just try showing up for the parade next year.
If showing up at a spot in the commons for 15 minutes a week in advance to ‘reserve’ a spot shows the decay of American culture, you and all the rest of them just reminded me that there really are people who believe that we are just one big community, and that we should share and play nice with each other.
That’s a rare quality from the last six-seven years.
super. well done duder.
now I have to get around to updating with my recent parade stories. ooooh, they’re good. I promise.
Up here, they literally set out their lawn chairs, folding chairs, soccer chairs, camp chairs, etc., two to three weeks in advance and cable them to nearby bus stops, trees, benches, whatever, with padlocks. Then they leave them there blocking the sidewalks and/or on-street parking for whatever time is left before the Apple Blossom festival parades. It’s irksome, but at least it’s not duct tape. Well done, you and company!!
Some suggestions for anyone who joins the new tradition of Parade-Route Clean-up Crew next year:
1) Bring a putty knife- I’m still removing street sludge from beneath my fingernails.
2) We could have used some buckets of soapy water and brushes for removing sidewalk-chalk graffiti…oops, did I use the word graffiti, I meant people writing their names on public property to claim their territory.
3) It’s always a good idea to bring plenty of garbage bags………and latex gloves (see #1)
4) Follow through on the idea of using bolt-cutters to liberate the chained lawn-chairs, and then in the early hours of the morning of the parade dump some of them across I-84 West at 181st and pile the rest of them on the I-5 South bridge from Vancouver (leaving the bike lane available, of course)
5) Hit the route more than once and at various hours throughout the night to prevent any last minute tapings of public property.
6) Consult, discuss or spy on any ‘neck acquaintances you may have in order to find out how they remove their masking tape from the sidewalk (assuming they do actually clean up after themselves when the parade is over)- for those who haven’t tried to do so allow me to explain, it’s much more tedious than removing duct tape because it comes up in ridiculously small pieces. My guess is that they have a secret remedy for the removal of masking tape, you know some kinda ‘neck ritual or “tradition” such as drinking a half-rack of Mountain Dew and urinating on the sidewalk? Just guessing.
7) And finally, we should involve an element of Public Health in our community action by distributing pamphlets to the classy individuals who guarded their little plots of duct-tape and sidewalk as we passed. I’ve already thought of a few points we can hit:
-It is not a good idea to drink a half-rack of Mountain Dew over a 24 hour period, or a 120 day period for that matter.
- Hot dogs have little nutritional value, even if you use that fancy new purple mustard.
-If you continue to give your children Donuts and Tang for Breakfast everyday they will continue to grow horizontally and most likely become diabetic before they reach puberty.
-Big Red is not a viable substitute for toothpaste.
-Contrary to what Ma’ told you, SPAM is not a food group- although it doesn’t exactly fit in to one so use your imagination if you must. Better yet, just stop eating it. It is okay to omit that layer from your famous Spaghetti-O-Velveeta Casserole that you bring to the annual Daytona 500 viewing party.
-Whoever told you that Snapping into a Slim-Jim was a part of every good meal was lying, or on steroids for great lengths of time.
That’s all I can think of for now. Put your thinking caps on Portland, we’ve got work to do. WHOSE SIDEWALKS?!?!?!!!???!!