Iron Fist

It seems like the great paradox of the Western world is that our highly advanced techno-economy is able to function as well as it does, considering that our nation’s businesses seem to be staffed entirely by morons and other assorted completely helpless individuals.

Take, for example, my old work. They seemed understanding enough when I told them I was quitting, even though I was taking business away from them by doing so since the contract they had to provide work for my new employers dissolved on the last day I was there. They even were happy to let me work for them an extra week when my new job was having trouble getting all my paperwork assembled in time. But some how this efficiency and diligence didn’t carry over to making sure I got my last paycheck on time.

I had dropped by the offices of my old work about a week after I transitioned to the new job, as my old boss had called to tell me that they had some checks for me. I dropped by and picked up one check for one day’s worth of work to cover the time they forgot to pay me for Labor Day, and another that was a payout of my accumulated vacation hours. I was surprised that I didn’t get my last week’s worth of work on either of those checks, but assumed it would just be deposited to my account the next Friday on the usual scheduled payday.

Well, Friday came and went, and no money appeared in my account. Concerned, I sent an email to my old boss, asking her what the story was.

Corporate automatically sends you your last check when they process the termination paperwork [she replied]. I don’t quite understand what went wrong.

“I don’t really understand what went wrong either,” I sent back. “But that’s okay, I don’t really need to know. Please just send me a check for the week’s worth of work that I am owed, and we’ll call it good.”

Time passes. A week later I send another email asking if they’d figured out yet how to write a check for the amount I was owed.

Well, they are going back and forth at corporate, trying to figure out who is responsible for paying you. I will let you know when I hear something.

“Do they have a check-writing department?” I asked. “Really, I think that they would be best suited to meeting my needs, by writing me a check. I don’t really care who is responsible. I don’t need a CSI: Bureaucracy Land-style forensic break down of what went wrong. I really just want my money.”

By the end of the week, after a few more email exchanges (if you call me repeatedly sending emails asking about the status of my last check an ‘exchange’) I found the following email in my inbox:

The corporate office says they sent you a check in the mail late last week. So you should see it any day now. Thank you.

“Fantastic!” I sent back. “I’m assuming you processed the change-of-address I sent you over a month ago, before my last day, right?”

I didn’t get a reply to this.

The Post Office came through for me and forwarded my last check; it came in the mail last Friday. Rejoicing that I had been paid, I went out to a show that night without giving it another thought. The next morning I sat down and opened up the envelope, and — you know what’s coming, right? — it was for the wrong amount. I had been shorted by a day.

Amazed by the incompetence of this organization, and frustrated by their almost total inability to get a simple thing right like paying me for a single week’s wages, I thought at first about just forgetting about it and saying “close enough”, but then I realized that this would mean that I worked a whole day for them for free.

It’s back to emailing morons again this week. Wish me luck.

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