notepad
Perhaps the least productive part of any business day is the meetings we are called upon to attend. I say ‘least productive’ in the sense that very little actual work is accomplished, most meetings seemingly designed as some sort of experiment to see how much boredom a human being can stand. You may have a job at some sort of utopian organization wherein important things are decided in meetings, plans of action drawn up, realistic timetables established, sandwiches and beer are served by strong-armed Germans, etc - none of this happens at my place of employment. I am no longer invited to meetings where I have some interest in the topic being discussed: although I have learned not to preface my comments with “here is why what you are proposing is a horrible idea and is going to screw us in the long run”, common sense and efficient problem solving are not especially valued at my job site.
Meeting are rather productive, however, in that I usually bring a notepad with me wherein I pretend to be taking notes, but in actuality am creating personal to-do lists, completely fictional to-do lists, writing out lines of dialog between two spontaneously generated characters, and drawing pictures of sword-wielding alien warriors (think Tars Tarkas). It is also a great opportunity to work on my improvisational skills, when I suddenly become aware that I might have been asked a question and need to respond in a way that 1) implies I was paying attention to the meeting, and 2) is funny enough to distract people from realizing that (1) is false.
At a recent meeting I was thumbing through the pages in my notepad, looking for a page that had enough free space for me to draw the rocket ship I had been thinking about, when I came across a page labeled “Meeting Minutes.” Knowing that it was extremely unlike me to record minutes during a meeting, I looked through the page to see what I had written down.
14:00 — Meeting begins.
14:03 — tremendous understatement
14:15 — wanton ignorance
14:16 — shameless pandering, noises indicating understanding where none exists
14:30 — brief outbreak of silence when my supervisor asks some intelligent questions.
14:33 — as no one here has any answers, posturing resumes.
14:40 — horrible decision made, based mostly upon events depicted in the most recent “Die Hard” movie.
Looking below that, I saw that I had scribbled some notes, which included a bulleted list:
Current rage/hate level is at nearly 700. I would gladly stab at least two people at this fucking table in the neck. Listening to these people talk about this is like watching an idiot run into a wall repeatedly. I would much rather eat a cinder block smeared with poisonous mushrooms than sit here.
Also would prefer:
- getting shot in the stomach with a shotgun.
- perform “Riverdance” on a stage full of broken glass.
- get a fake tan by scorching own skin with a propane torch.
- wrestle a squid.
Relieved that I had not wasted valuable meeting time taking down anything related to business, I turned to the next available blank page, and began to draw a space ship, getting attacked by a squid.
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