Perhaps you have heard this Bruno Mars song that is on the radio lately, Grenade.  Perhaps not.  If you have time, here’s the video and song for reference:

If you don’t have time to watch it, here’s a brief synopsis of the song for you:  the protagonist is in love with a woman, and in an attempt to prove the extent of this love he lists a number of unlikely situations to which he would willingly subject himself.  In no particular order, these include:

  • Catching a grenade.
  • Putting his hand on a blade.
  • Jump in front of a train.
  • Take a bullet through the brain.
  • Be run through by a rabid unicorn’s horn.
  • Get hammered by the Norse god, Thor.
  • Eat his weight in chicken feet.
  • Listen to Train’s “Hey, Soul Sister” on repeat.

I am probably making at least some of those up, as I did not listen to the song too carefully or bother to look up the lyrics prior to writing this post — people, I’m a blogger, which means I’m practically a journalist, so don’t expect me to do things like check facts or verify accuracy on something before hitting publish.  ANYWAY, I think you get the point.

What I am left wondering is how the hell he thought any of this was going to impress his girl, or win her back.  I mean, anyone can promise a bunch of things that sound really impressive because you probably won’t have to deliver on any of them.  I can only imagine the response from Bruno’s beloved to all of his promises.

BRUNO: I would catch a grenade for you, baby!

LADY FRIEND: We live in the O.C., not the Gaza Strip.  Who’s even throwing grenades around here?  UNIMPRESSED FACE.

BRUNO: Well, I would…I would put my hand on a blade for you.

LADY FRIEND: What does that even mean?  You don’t know how to use power tools.  You don’t even own a good socket wrench set!

BRUNO: Listen, I would jump in front of a train for you…

LADY FRIEND: It’s more like, “I would wander out into traffic because I was texting and wasn’t paying attention to where I was walking.”  AMIRITE?

(At this point, no doubt, you can imagine our protagonist getting a little riled up at being called on his bullshit.  So, he switches tactics.)

BRUNO: I don’t understand.  I would go through all this pain.  What do I need to do to prove my love to you?

LADY FRIEND: Instead of telling me you’re going to “take a bullet right through the brain,” how about that you’ll “unclog that slow bathroom drain?”

BRUNO: What?  That’s crazy talk.

LADY FRIEND:   How about you pick up your dirty socks off the floor?  Or if you remember not to slam the door?

BRUNO: I don’t really see what you’re getting at…

LADY FRIEND: Hey, here’s a good one: Don’t dribble on the toilet seat.  Ooh!  Keep off the carpet with your dirty feet.

BRUNO: Man, this is some bullshit right here.  Did I mention the part about how I would catch a grenade….?

LADY FRIEND:  Yeah, yeah.

Sorry, Bruno.  It’s not as terribly glamorous to say that you’ll clean up around the house for your girl, but it’s a lot more believable than a lot of the stuff you put in your song, and will probably even get you laid.